It was a freezing evening in February, you could see the trees bending to the ground with the power of the wind coming from North. Just looking out from the window depressed me. Half of the ground outside was filled with snow, the other glazed with an icy layer. It glazed, but it was dark ice, dark as my mind this moment. The view was bare and naked as it could only be in winter, I hated it!

I look over the table again and I couldn't avoid looking at the book laying wide open. I knew what was written in it by heart, one of my deepest secrets I had from 10 years ago. It was like a spell, exactly 10 years ago I had nearly felt the same as now, but because of another reason. I surprised myself thinking that this writing could never get into anyone's hands, I would die with shame.

You probably are wondering, "So what is written there?" "You really want to know?" I ask out the darkness of my window again, "I am a fool and this proves it! I will tell you, even if you don't want to hear!" ”Words, written with tears, my blood, my shaking body and depression, a letter of Goodbye." So what do you say now? Am I crazy, or just foolish with impossible dreams? Yes you can say that, dreams of something impossible to reach, something what could never be mine, just some borrowed moments of tenure here and there, imaginative love!"

I just wanted some moments of happiness, no, now I am lying to myself, I wanted it all, I wanted him to be mine, if I couldn't have him, how much was my life worth, or I? I had thought of those questions on and on until I decided my life wasn't life anymore, but a torture. I wanted to stop it, I didn't have any reason to live anymore.

It was with those thoughts I began to write my letter, a goodbye to life and to this whole entire damned world. I didn't want it anymore! I couldn't even walk on the streets anymore, for every step I took, it felt as everyone was looking at me, knew what I was. A home wrecker, a destroyer of family life! But not really, that was a lie, if it hadn’t been me, it would have been somebody else, I wanted it to be me, I was jealous even with the thought that he could be elsewhere with another woman, even his wife. He had told me the story of his life, they hadn’t made love for ages, they were only a couple holding on together, for the children’s sake! I believed him, or I wanted to believe. I wasn’t sure thought if that was the truth or was there another truth he didn’t speak to me about? I didn’t care, I wanted him to take me in his arms. To squeeze me hard and hold me. I couldn’t live without his touch, without his soft lips that got me hungry for him. A perfect gentleman when we went out together, he only had eyes for me, he made me feel so special. I got myself to believe he didn’t love anyone else but me. He knew how to make me feel confident and beautiful.

No, I can’t remember him now, tears burning on my face, I don’t want to cry again, not now! I rush out of my apartment, I had to get out.

It was dark outside but the sky was filled with stars, I knew it would be a cold but clear day tomorrow. I longed for the Spring. Full moon night, perfect! Nothing was more perfect to build up an illusion again, something from the past, something I lost ages ago.

I started to walk against the wind to calm down my mind. Suddenly I had come to that narrow street with houses side by side. “Gosh, how did I get here?” I exclaimed. I looked around to see if there were anyone who had heard me talking to myself. They would have thought I was a lunatic.

I had slowed down my steps now and I stood staring at that red wooden house. His home, it was here his family lived, but I had heard he didn’t. Gossips about a divorce, about his wife throwing him out when she had enough of other women. I hadn’t been the only one I knew, there had been so many after me, I knew everyone of them through “nice” friends, those mutual ones who didn’t understand, that every time they told me something, they was turning a knife around my heart, they didn’t knew how much they hurt me.

Maybe they did. Two years we had been together, there had been mixed feelings amongst our friends. Jealous feelings, men trying to get me behind his back, men who would have been better choices for me, free men. I didn’t realize that, as I had only eyes for him.

Two years wasted time, I thought now, it could have easily ended with that night I wrote in that book. Goodbye! It was to end all going on. Three times I tried, to separate me from him, every time I got sick of jealousy thinking of him and all the women that surrounded him when I wasn’t around.

One friend had taken a mission to call me every time to tell where he was and with whom he was, or even telling me with whom he was leaving to spend his night with! I couldn’t do anything but return, each time, until the last time.

I had enough! I couldn’t bear it anymore. It would have been so easy, just like falling asleep. I had reserved the pills and the water to swallow them with. I was writing the text in the book when something happened that put a stop to my thoughts about ending it all.

The fire-alarm sounded from the stairs in our house, sounded so hard filling my brain. I got angry about who dared to interrupt me! I rushed to the door and opened it smelling the air, and saw the thick black smoke coming from upstairs. “Oh my God!” I shouted out, it was from an apartment upstairs where an old couple were living with their mentally retarded son. I had to get there fast and help them out! It was the only thoughts I had in my mind that moment, and I ran upstairs. They were standing all three of them outside the door, the elder man said that they were waiting for the fire department to get there, I took the old shaking lady in my arms and told her hubby and son to follow me. We got down to my flat where I called the fire department to ask if they had gotten the call, and if they were on their way. They assured me they were, and should be here by now. At the same time I heard the elevator, it was the firemen and more were coming up the stairs. I talked to them and meanwhile the others got into the apartment and saw the worst was over. I heard afterwards that their son had been very heroic by throwing the burning TV outside from the balcony to the ground. Thanks to him the fire hadn’t spread anywhere else in the apartment.

All this came into my mind when I was standing there at front of the red wooden house and I surprised myself by smiling. The palpitation in my heart was gone and the shaking had stopped. I learned a lesson that night, the smiles of the boy and his parents faces when somebody cared for them, was worth seeing and who would have helped them if I wasn’t here in this world anymore? No one else did.

After a few days, somebody rang my doorbell and I went to open it up. There was the boy from upstairs. He held his hands behind his back and he had a very big smile on his face when he said ”My mom and dad sent me here to Thank you!” and he took out his hands with bandages, and held a big and so beautiful bouquet of yellow roses before my face that I got tears of joy. I was happy for the ending this special night had.

I believed it had been my faith who decided it wasn’t my time yet to go. So here we are and I feel blessed today!

I knew I had a mission at home, something to throw away. I turned around and started my walk with a wide smile on my face.