"This author writes so poetically. Perhaps it is because English is not her native tongue. I wish I had her gift. This tale began by making me think of Alice in Wonderland, then quickly turned into a tale of a woman alone and in need of help, but having only herself to depend on. Ah, I love happy endings! (Comments by Carol)"

Thank you Carol *S* I appreciate this!

Panic!

"Juhuuuuu!" calling out to this so beautiful garden I loved to walk in, but there was no answer. I called again "Juhuuuuuuu!!!", I listened but all I could hear was silence, I was alone. I walk thru the garden with light steps seeking for another lonely soul, look behind the trees, behind the bushes, "Oh!" Gosh that scared me out but it was only a rabbit. "Oh no! He's after the carrots we planted last spring", came into my mind. I was running after the rabbit, "I must see from where he came, he can't come and hide again!"

I ran and I almost fell when I stepped under a branch lying there on the ground, reaching for my legs like a snake that swirled around to seek the next offered soul. I reach the ground not in a very elegante manner and I could hear a very nasty squirly sound coming from my leg or was it my shoe?

"Ouch!" I screamed when I felt the pain in my ankle, I had twisted it, maybe?

"Oh no, what am I going to do now?" I asked myself while I was looking around with a hidden panic crawling slowly too my superficies. I tried to get up but I felt a pain and stars jumping up and down in my eyes, I nearly lost consciousness.

"That's not a twisted ankle, I must have broken it. Sheesh, what am I going to do?", I sat down again on the ground and tried to sort out my thoughts and think with a clear mind.

It was half past one and only in a few hours there would be somebody at home and probably find me in the garden. Where were all my sisters now when I needed them? Not a soul was out there and neither a breath of wind in this heat. I was sweating sitting there as the sun stood so high up at the very clear sky and there were no clouds visible that could have helped me out here with a few minutes of shadow to cool the air.

I was counting the minutes, no, the seconds and each of them felt heavier and heavier. I started to crawl to get into the house away from the burning sun, "Ouch! Gosh that hurts", I saw the stars again and felt that I could not move an inch more from this place without fainting.

The panic was reaching me more and more and I even could hear my own heart beating loud. I could hear the ringing in my ears begin and all the worse symptoms were pulling out.

"No I can't give up now, I have to fight against it, I will not give in to the attacks this time, no!" I decided and as if by magic the panic was gone. I even managed to smile a little in the middle of this whole misery.

"Self-confidence, believe in myself!" were the words of the doctor that I had consulted for my panic disorder. "Yeah, he was right, I can gain it, it doesn't have to win my mind! Yes!" Now the smile was even wider and I felt lighter as if a stone had been lifted off my brain. I took a very deep breath and I started to crawl, now I did it, I shout out; "See I am doing it, I am a winner, Goodbye loser!"

I could already see the first steps that led to the porch and the backdoor. I felt relieved and I got there faster than I had thought I ever would be able to.

Now the pain was winning again, three steps, only three steps and I would be able to open the door and get to the phone to call for help. "Oh God, Help me, I need you now!"

Tearing but with determination I finally reached the door and for once I saw that something or someone was helping me in my task as the door was already open. It had slipped my mind how in the earth I would manage to open up the heavy door when I wasn't even able to stand up.

I crawled through the salon and I could see the phone in the hallway. Oh my that felt so far away and the more I was crawling the further it was.

That was my last thought before I was surrounded by a black dim that entwined me in a black emtiness.

I rocked my chair while correcting my glasses. The notebook had almost slid down while I was adventuring in my thoughts and I caught it before it fell to the floor of the porch. I let my look wonder slowly thru the garden and I smiled when I saw the big red apples in the beautiful tree. "It is hard to write memories without slipping into the happenings years ago", I smiled remembering and decided that I must keep on writing as long as I had my memories intact; still I sink again into my memories.

This had happened so many years ago, and in one way, I was really blessed, without it I would not have found my dearest Ernest. "What a handsome doctor!" I had thought while he was treating my leg at the hospital.

My sisters had came home a little earlier than usual and they had found me there lying in the hallway. I came to my senses only in the hospital-bed feeling those so strong and warm hands putting a plaster on my leg. I knew instantly when he looked up and straight in my eyes that he was my twin soul, the one I had always dreamed of meeting, there was chemistry between us. So he was and we were wedded a year after we met and until today my life has been a dream. He is the most dedicated husband, father and lover that a woman could wish for.

I smiled and returned to write my book I named, "I remember...."

Copyright © 2003 Sirpa Bister

Thank you Sleepless for this beautiful Award from you *S*